“Everyone get your shoes on!!! We’re late!!!”
I yell for the upteenth time and still no one listens or gets their shoes. So I yell again a little louder- which I know is ineffective- to “GET THEIR SHOES ON!!” Ben listens but puts Logan’s on instead which makes Logan want those exact shoes at that exact moment and all chaos ensues to which I just yell, “EVERYONE. put your OWN shoes on right NOW!”
It’s silent. I stop. I breathe. I look down at my sweet boys’ faces and I’m crushed. Like my is soul crushed as I see tears welling up in Ben’s eyes. As he says, “I just wanted to trick Logan.” (trick is his word for playing a joke) Logan didn’t think it was funny and it was the final straw in our long morning of spills and tantrums and I broke. I started crying and got down at Ben’s level and all I could say was ‘I’m sorry’. I’m sorry Ben for yelling. I didn’t know it was a trick and I’m so sorry. Do you know what that sweet little, curly, blonde-haired 4 year old did?? He gave me a hug. A hug that was so tight that it felt like it started at his toes and his whole body couldn’t squeeze hard enough. I squeezed him back and we just sat for a moment. We could be late. I again whispered, “I’m so sorry Ben.” He kissed me and whispered “I wuv you, mommy.”
In that moment, it felt like the world fell silent and his heart and mine connected on a different level. Love is bigger than sticking to a schedule. The vulnerability to tell my child that I was wrong is bigger than being on time. The authentic ‘I’m so sorry’ is bigger than the pride of being the adult and of being the mom.
What is my role of mother? My job as mom?? Is it just to keep them clean, fed, and on time? Is it just to push them to try this or that and be here or there?? I believe I’m learning as much from my kids as they are from me as I keep growing into my role of mother. As I learn to trust my gut, be vulnerable, be open to seeing a different way, a different side. Be willing to share that bare soul authenticity with those in the trenches with me that we’re just trying to do our best, to raise good kids.
I believe the beauty of mothering happens when we can let our guards down, let those walls that hold us up as the authority figure lower and share in honest moments with our kids. Isn’t that what we ask of them? How better to teach our kids to see the needs of others, to put others first and to be a good friend than by starting ourselves with our own children. There is beauty in laughing with them. There is beauty in letting them lead the way. There is beauty in showing them by example, by raw vulnerability, that we all make mistakes but that we can all make it right too. Being a mom is all I’ve ever wanted and I’m grateful that this name ‘mother’ is mine. I pray that as my sweet kids continue to grow, they know that yes I make mistakes. Yes I don’t know everything. But that I do know that God loves them and that I love them more than anything else in this world.
Genevieve is a homeschooling mama to 4 tiny humans and is just starting her blog. Check it out here! We love her take on motherhood and honesty throughout her posts.