Ever hear something come out of your mouth and think, “Well, that sounded familiar”? Motherhood has a way of bringing our own childhood right back into the room.
Breaking generational cycles in parenting means noticing the family patterns you want to change and practicing a different response. Maybe it's yelling, brushing off feelings or believing a mom has to put herself last to be a good one.
As a mom of three, I know this work can feel heavy. You can love your family and still decide that some things end with you. Start with one thing, mama.
Notice the pattern you want to change
Think about a recent hard moment. What happened right before you reacted? What did you say? What would you want to try next time?
Keep it specific: “When everyone talks over me, I raise my voice” gives you something to work with. Calling yourself a terrible mom just gives you another thing to carry.
Practice a pause before you respond
If everyone is safe and the conversation can wait, give yourself a moment to settle. With teens, that might sound like: “I'm frustrated, and I want to talk about this without yelling. Let's take a break and come back to it.” Then follow through.
The CDC's guidance on coaching teens through emotions includes pausing before responding and returning to the conversation when you feel calm. It's a practice you can keep working on.
Own your part and make a repair
When you do snap, an apology can be simple and specific: “I raised my voice. That wasn't okay, and I'm sorry. We still need to talk about what happened, but I want to do it respectfully.”
Avoid handing the responsibility back with “I'm sorry, but you made me…” You can take responsibility for your reaction and still hold a boundary.
Choose a different response to practice
You don't have to overhaul your whole parenting style tonight. Pick one response you want to change:
- When feelings are dismissed: Try “I can see you're upset. Do you want me to listen or help you think it through?”
- When comparisons creep in: Focus on this child's effort, needs and progress instead of a sibling's.
- When saying yes leaves you resentful: Try “I can't do that today” without a whole courtroom defense.
Adapt the words to your child's age and the situation. They should sound like you.
Make room for support
A trusted friend can listen. A therapist can help you explore patterns that feel hard to change on your own. Food, rest and time for yourself deserve a place in your life, too.
If family gatherings or holidays bring up difficult feelings, you may also relate to our post on navigating Mother's Day with a difficult mother relationship.
A small reflection for this week
Write down one pattern you want to change, one response you want to practice and one person you can turn to for support. Keep it somewhere you'll see it.
Some days you'll catch yourself sooner. Some days you'll need to apologize and try again. Keep showing up for that work. Raising good humans includes being a human yourself.
xo,
Sarah
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About Sarah
Sarah Komers is the founder of Mom Culture® and a mom of three, sharing honest conversations about motherhood, midlife and raising good humans.
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