Feb 6th that morning, I woke up late for me which was 8am. A Thursday, the day I am usually off, the feeling of being wet woke me only to find myself in a pool of blood. I had only the week before found out I was pregnant. I hadn't yet told anyone since I wasn’t even scheduled to go see the doctor to confirm until the pregnancy the following week. My husband had been commuting to work as he normally did so I was home with our dogs alone in a panic. I cleaned myself up and ran to the ER where they took me immediately and confirmed what I already in my heart knew, I had lost my little one. I was so sad and I did what I normally do when in crisis, I retreated.
I said nothing to anyone. Why? Mainly I hate been asked how I’m doing. I hadn’t told anyone yet, so to go into detail I’d rather not. I went home took a shower, cried, cleaned up my bed, cried more, Laid down on the couch and cried. Played with my dogs, looked myself in the mirror and said OK there’s nothing else you can do just pray and move on.
Harsh I know, but if you know me, you know I don’t talk about feelings or emotions much, I have a very large wall up. It takes a lot for me to trust it takes a lot for me to become vulnerable and I knew if I lingered in that space for long I would never come out. So I did what most people will tell you not to do, I suffered in silence.
Outwardly no one knew anything was wrong but internally I was so sad. What Happened? What went wrong? The typical questions that all of us ask all of us that share this horrible event. I often wonder if my babe would have been the girl I never had. Eden that would’ve been her name. But I do what I normally do. Turn the page.
Doctors tell you to wait a while before trying again. I didn’t. I tried in April, and where not successful, then in May we were successful. This time yet again we waited to tell our family with the exception of our parents and siblings.
I prayed every night that my baby would stay with me, safe and healthy. That my body would protect him or her, that my body would do what its supposed to do as a women, carry a child.
On Jan 31st, almost 3 weeks early my baby finally came in the form of a 7lb 8oz boy. (yes early and yes big) After 22 hours of labor he finally came to me, my sweet bug, my dinosaur loving big eyed boy! How I love you, my rainbow after the storm....
I don’t talk about this event, writing this blog is something I was reluctant to do. I will share photos of my rainbow baby proudly, but reliving the events of that day are just too hard for me. So they back they go, in that safe I keep in my heart where all things go that are painful.
-Marissa B. (read original blog here)