Rainbow Mama, Trinity

Written by: Trinity G.

Let me start by introducing myself, I'm Trinity. Rainbow mama is my title that I go by. I started my own mom blog going on 5 months ago, and being on the other side I feel like I could babble for hours about my story but let me get to the point. I am a loss mama of two. Our first loss I was young, just turning 18 I didn't know much about parenthood. I was 7 months and it was a normal day, nothing different. I woke up out of my sleep with cramps, being young, not knowing much about pregnancy I thought, yeah this is totally normal, it wasn't. I was going into labor, scratch that, I was in labor. I slept through it, who does that? Apparently me, and I beat myself up over it for years. I started counting realizing I was two minutes apart, by the time I started counting, I felt like I peed myself, it was my water, it broke, in bed. I got up and ran to the bathroom and immediately made the call to my OB, they said head out to the hospital because of it being so early, I did. Before I got the chance to even get out of the bathroom the blood started running down my leg, then eventually swarm at my feet. I was terrified. I still remember my scream I felt frozen, still in denial that this wasn't normal, I wait for my ride to the hospital because I didn't live with my mom at the time, I got with her and felt different, no more cramps aka contractions, no more anxiety I felt at ease. We get to the hospital I tell them my symptoms, they have me go to the bathroom and give a urine sample, still bleeding, I go. How dumb was I to not cuss these people out? Well, I was so naive, I went and I felt the urge to push, and there I was on a toilet in a waiting room, giving birth. I reach down and see every toe, every finger. all 20. I scream for my mother to come, I had to get up and unlock the door with my sweet baby boy hanging out of me, they get me into a room and tell me to push I was so scared I started passing out, they had to put me under and perform a D&E to remove the placenta and scrape my uterine walls. I can remember after surgery feeling so lost, and suicidal and so scared of what I really just went through. At the time I didn't know it was a boy, I was asked numerous times if I wanted to see the baby, but I refused, I refused with every ounce of me that I didn't want to because being young I thought it would make things harder, boy how I wish I would have. Years go by, I went back to school and finish college, started working as a nurse, my dream job. I decided while working with the pregnancy tests let me take one, POSITIVE. I almost fall to my knees I couldn't believe it. I was so excited, fear didn't even run through my blood at the time, boy how vulnerable I was. I went to my first appointment and everything looked amazing, baby was a little small but they said I was early so this can be normal. I went back two weeks later, by myself, not even thinking something else could go wrong, because I was under the impression my first loss was a fluke. There as I lied on the exam room, in the dark, in silence, I hear the doctor say "i'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." My world collapsed, in a different way then before. I was ready, prepared, excited, I was so lost again. I immediately bawled and decided to pray my heart out hoping that it would come back and maybe their machine read wrong. I went back, had to listen to silence again. It didn't come back and I was forced to set up my D&C and face the loss or losses as I should say all over again. After my D&C we weren't trying, but we also weren't preventing, after so many losses we realized it was what it was, we couldn't keep a pregnancy and if we could we were ready whenever it was ready to come into our lives, About two months after my surgery, I decided to take another pregnancy test and it was positive, AGAIN. This time I said I need to not stress and let my life do what it is supposed to, boy was that hard. I went to the hospital/doctors a whopping 17 times during my pregnancy swearing something was wrong. Whether it be I couldn't feel him, felt sick, felt off, I WENT. I got a doppler and listened to the heartbeat over and over just so I could leave the house, or go to sleep, do anything at all. I seen endless doctors was watched closely. I was put on progesterone shots which prevent preterm labor at 16 weeks multi 36 weeks. I prayed, every single second of my life. I had hope, I didn't let my fear take over my hope. I had days where I couldn't leave my bed to scared something was going to go wrong. I seen genetic counselors and she let it slip out first was boy, and it gave me hope that I was to know that and know that he wasn't being replaced. I had him, a boy, after 25 long hours of labor, and an emergency c-section, I had my rainbow baby boy in my arms. Going through pregnancy loss completely changed me, for the rest of my life. Becoming a bereaved mama changed me, and become a rainbow mama made me who I am. I parent different than others, I over worry, I get severe anxiety, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so grateful for my story through pregnancy loss, pregnancy after loss, then parenting after loss. It truly as empowered me in ways that I couldn't imagine. It brought so many people into my life from my support group, and I am equally grateful for all my losses that made me learn so much about myself.