Rainbow Mama, Trinity

Written by: Trinity G.

Let me start by introducing myself, I'm Trinity. Rainbow mama is my title that I go by. I started my own mom blog going on 5 months ago, and being on the other side I feel like I could babble for hours about my story but let me get to the point. I am a loss mama of two. Our first loss I was young, just turning 18 I didn't know much about parenthood. I was 7 months and it was a normal day, nothing different. I woke up out of my sleep with cramps, being young, not knowing much about pregnancy I thought, yeah this is totally normal, it wasn't. I was going into labor, scratch that, I was in labor. I slept through it, who does that? Apparently me, and I beat myself up over it for years. I started counting realizing I was two minutes apart, by the time I started counting, I felt like I peed myself, it was my water, it broke, in bed. I got up and ran to the bathroom and immediately made the call to my OB, they said head out to the hospital because of it being so early, I did. Before I got the chance to even get out of the bathroom the blood started running down my leg, then eventually swarm at my feet. I was terrified. I still remember my scream I felt frozen, still in denial that this wasn't normal, I wait for my ride to the hospital because I didn't live with my mom at the time, I got with her and felt different, no more cramps aka contractions, no more anxiety I felt at ease. We get to the hospital I tell them my symptoms, they have me go to the bathroom and give a urine sample, still bleeding, I go. How dumb was I to not cuss these people out? Well, I was so naive, I went and I felt the urge to push, and there I was on a toilet in a waiting room, giving birth. I reach down and see every toe, every finger. all 20. I scream for my mother to come, I had to get up and unlock the door with my sweet baby boy hanging out of me, they get me into a room and tell me to push I was so scared I started passing out, they had to put me under and perform a D&E to remove the placenta and scrape my uterine walls. I can remember after surgery feeling so lost, and suicidal and so scared of what I really just went through. At the time I didn't know it was a boy, I was asked numerous times if I wanted to see the baby, but I refused, I refused with every ounce of me that I didn't want to because being young I thought it would make things harder, boy how I wish I would have. Years go by, I went back to school and finish college, started working as a nurse, my dream job. I decided while working with the pregnancy tests let me take one, POSITIVE. I almost fall to my knees I couldn't believe it. I was so excited, fear didn't even run through my blood at the time, boy how vulnerable I was. I went to my first appointment and everything looked amazing, baby was a little small but they said I was early so this can be normal. I went back two weeks later, by myself, not even thinking something else could go wrong, because I was under the impression my first loss was a fluke. There as I lied on the exam room, in the dark, in silence, I hear the doctor say "i'm so sorry, there's no heartbeat." My world collapsed, in a different way then before. I was ready, prepared, excited, I was so lost again. I immediately bawled and decided to pray my heart out hoping that it would come back and maybe their machine read wrong. I went back, had to listen to silence again. It didn't come back and I was forced to set up my D&C and face the loss or losses as I should say all over again. After my D&C we weren't trying, but we also weren't preventing, after so many losses we realized it was what it was, we couldn't keep a pregnancy and if we could we were ready whenever it was ready to come into our lives, About two months after my surgery, I decided to take another pregnancy test and it was positive, AGAIN. This time I said I need to not stress and let my life do what it is supposed to, boy was that hard. I went to the hospital/doctors a whopping 17 times during my pregnancy swearing something was wrong. Whether it be I couldn't feel him, felt sick, felt off, I WENT. I got a doppler and listened to the heartbeat over and over just so I could leave the house, or go to sleep, do anything at all. I seen endless doctors was watched closely. I was put on progesterone shots which prevent preterm labor at 16 weeks multi 36 weeks. I prayed, every single second of my life. I had hope, I didn't let my fear take over my hope. I had days where I couldn't leave my bed to scared something was going to go wrong. I seen genetic counselors and she let it slip out first was boy, and it gave me hope that I was to know that and know that he wasn't being replaced. I had him, a boy, after 25 long hours of labor, and an emergency c-section, I had my rainbow baby boy in my arms. Going through pregnancy loss completely changed me, for the rest of my life. Becoming a bereaved mama changed me, and become a rainbow mama made me who I am. I parent different than others, I over worry, I get severe anxiety, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am so grateful for my story through pregnancy loss, pregnancy after loss, then parenting after loss. It truly as empowered me in ways that I couldn't imagine. It brought so many people into my life from my support group, and I am equally grateful for all my losses that made me learn so much about myself. 

Written by Julie Khaled

Leave a comment

More stories

School Lockdown Drill

Written by: Gina A. And just like that, we are back to school.  We made it through registration, school supplies, first day jitters, new teachers,...

Loss, Infertility, and the Hope that Follows

 Written by: Michelle R. I will never forget the moment that I woke up from my D&C. As I opened my eyes, I squinted and gazed at the harsh flu...