When we decided that we wanted to have a third baby everything lined up. We made it at the age gap that we wanted and I got pregnant very quickly. I was excited of course but I always had this feeling. It’s a feeling that you can’t really explain. We went to our first appointment pretty early for dating and for blood work. Everything looked great and we scheduled an appointment like normal. Still, I had this feeling. I didn’t want to tell anyone. My husband assured me it was fine and that there was no reason to wait. So against my gut feeling I did. I told my mom, my good friends, some family. Then it happened, Thanksgiving 2013.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I cooked, my dad was there but I had not told him I was pregnant so he just thought I was sick. I just wanted everyone to leave. My husband invited his brother over and while everyone sat and ate I passed our tiny baby. I remember seeing the whole perfectly intact sac with our baby in there. The rest of the night was a blur. We went Black Friday shopping, took his brother home where the kids and I sat in the car for an hour, and then we went home. Everyone acted as if nothing had happened and why would they. Only my husband knew. The next day it really set in and I cried for days. I would just go sit in the shower and cry so no one could hear me.
I promised myself that that was it and I would never feel that pain again. If it happened to me once it could happen again and I could not mentally do it. It took me almost 2 years to realize that my pain couldn’t define me and that no matter what I would still be sad but I would always remember that baby. So we tried again. And again. And again. It just wasn’t happening. I thought maybe I just wasn’t meant to have a third and this was our plan. November 30th, 2015 I saw my midwife to check on my eggs and see how my system was working. He was shocked when he saw nothing. Basically no eggs getting ready to release or being released. So we left with a prescription for Clomid. I was devastated. Then my husband got a call that he needed to go see his dad. I didn’t want him to go, I was being selfish because I was going through my own thing but knew he had to go. He passed away the next day. We kind of knew that getting pregnant was out of the cards that month with all the stress and everything that was going on.
Then my period never came. I took a test and it was positive. I had all the emotions. I was happy and scared but just a few days after that test I was down for the count. I had never had such bad morning sickness. I could barely move off the couch. My midwife was of course shocked because just weeks ago there was no way I was getting pregnant. Not a day went by that I was not terrified. But every appointment came and our rainbow kept growing and growing until July 2016 when she came 5 weeks early, just as quiet and perfect as can be. She didn’t make a peep when she was born, which is hilarious because now she’s the loudest in the family. She is truly the light that we needed.
She came into our lives when we were going through some of the hardest times. I 100% believe that our children come when they are meant to. I wanted to plan when I could get pregnant but the universe had other plans. We lost a beautiful soul but gained a light. A true rainbow after the storm. Every day I look at her and I am so grateful that she is here. You never forget or stop wondering what your child may have been, how they would have looked, or who they would have grown to be. All you can do is weather the storm and enjoy the beauty after.
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