Rainbow Ember



Tonight I want to talk about miscarriage. It’s a tough topic, but I feel like I need to talk about it tonight. I had one. One in four women will or have had one. More people have had a miscarriage then have not had one. It’s proven by science, you can check my facts. What still haunts me to this day is the fact that I wanted and prayed for this baby we lost so bad. My husband and I were so excited. I had an appointment the day before I started bleeding and everything was fine. That day after that appointment changed me and scarred me forever. I called my husband at work and told him what was happening, he rushed home and got me, and we went to the hospital. The thing that killed me that day was the doctor wouldn’t straight up tell me I lost my baby. He wouldn’t say it and I just wanted him to be honest with me and tell me I lost him or her. That broke me in a million pieces. That day was the first day I ever saw my husband really cry. Having a miscarriage and losing a child is hard not only on you as the mother, but also your significant other who also was looking forward to that baby. I think for me it’s still hard for me to put into words how I feel and felt about it and it’s been 3.5 years already. Our baby, our first baby, would have had the due date of January 3rd. Every year on January 3rd I feel some sort of peace I never thought I would feel. I feel like even though our baby isn’t with us physically, the day that is supposed to be hard on us never is. I can only say that I think it’s a God thing. The weird thing for me is after I had my youngest daughter and all of the trials and tribulations we went through, my Mom asked me something I never even thought about-she asked me if I thought Ember was the baby I had lost the first time, and she wasn’t ready and Hadlee had to be born first to teach me a thing or two, and then Ember and God decided Ember would come back to me. Me being me, I asked my 7 week old baby girl if she was the baby I lost and if she came back to me-y’all, she smiled at me this perfect newborn baby smile, cooed, and reached for me. I got goosebumps all over and it’s like I knew then that Ember was the one who we lost, God just needed her back for awhile and then she came back to us. I don’t know if that that sounds crazy, but I do know that’s how I truly feel. I do know that every May 8th, which is the day I had my miscarriage, is tough for me. Every single year is rough. Maybe it’ll get better in time, but that day is terrible for me no matter what. Maybe I like to believe that Ember is the baby we lost and God gave me my baby back because in my heart it makes me feel better, but I guess I’ll truly never know till I get to Heaven. If there’s a baby waiting for me, I’ll know then for certain. Either way, miscarriage is hard. It’s gut wrenching. It changes your life forever. It gives you major anxiety about future pregnancies or if you’ll ever get pregnant again. It makes you emotional when you have friends that go through it, because I honestly wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone. And it makes you think about that baby almost every day. I mean, times heals right? Things aren’t as raw as they were that May 8th. But time doesn’t take away all the pain. If you’ve ever gone through a miscarriage, my heart goes out to you. I know what you’re going through. I know the pain. I know the hurt. I know the what if’s and the why’s. I know you’ve questioned God and the plan. But trust me when I say that God’s plan is so much greater then you could ever imagine. Losing a child is terrible, but trusting in God always gets you through. Talk about your miscarriage to anyone who will listen. Don’t be silent because it makes things worse ultimately. Be open and honest and just know you’re not the first and you’re definitely not the last woman to go through something like this. I know it sucks, but just find a friend and talk through it. Even if it happened years ago or yesterday, someone out there that you know can relate and understand and help you through. You’re never alone when it comes to this. And I’m always around for anyone looking for support-I completely understand and am here to help in anyway I can. Love and blessings to everyone.

-Codi B.




Written by Julie Khaled

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